Ok so there's this ... thing ... and I need advice. And possibly a translator.


So, y'all probably know by now I've been digging this guy Matt for a few weeks. Well, he biked to the dodgeball game tonight because it was close to his house, and I have a hatchback car so I offered him a lift back (with room in the back for his bike). He accepted, and offered to show me his place, which I accepted, and then we ended up chatting about inanities on his futon in his little studio apartment. At some point the sexual tension snapped, he went to kiss me, hesitated, I bridged the gap, and we ended up making out very very seriously on said futon. Like, we're talking if this were a movie he'd have just come back from killing the alien mothership and found my great-grandmother's locket at the same time.

And yet on one of the few times we took a breather, when I admitted I'd had a thing for him since the moment I saw him he said he knew, in a very... self-assured tone. The most I could get from him, though, was a vague "yeah... i thought you were cute" and then something about not going after girls who are taken. Which I totally respect but then again we've sort of rendered that question moot and he refused to admit he'd had a thing for me too. Finally, on one of our last pauses I somewhat self-consciously said something to the effect of "well it's not like I threw myself at you" and he (jokingly?) said well no not quite, then I pointed out that I was asking if he'd had a thing for me after I'd broken up with my ex. Finally I got a definitive yes from him. Still kind of bugged me, though (obviously).

When I finally made it to the door, first he made no move to kiss me goodnight or see me out and said to have fun this weekend in New York (does he not intend to call or contact me before then?) and then when he realized he had to lock the downstairs door behind me we walked down and the goodbye kiss was prefaced by "There you go".


And now keep in mind that the whole time we'd been going at it on the couch he literally couldn't grab me tight enough. If I took a break to grab some water (and soothe my lip a little -- he's a biter. We won't go into that now.) he reached for me as soon as I was within arm's length because he very obviously couldn't wait a second longer than he had to to kiss me again. I don't think I've ever been with a guy who was that enthusiastic. So why the bit where he acts like he's doing me a favor? Wtf mate, seriously?

1. Yes, guys are genetically dumb. It's in the chromosomes.
2. He seems pretty confusing. What it seems to me is that there are two situations that could be taking place. You will have to decide for yourself which you think is the most accurate. I mean, you are the one that knows him.

a. He's just not that into you (emotionally). He wants a hookup buddy, and maybe he even enjoys spending the time with you. But he doesn't want an emotional connection, and that's why he was so hesitant to say that he liked you etc. That could also explain the enthusiasm; he enjoys kissing you because he enjoys the physicality of your relationship. That doesn't mean that he wants feelings. I heard a good analogy once: guys' minds are like waffles, and girls' minds are like spaghetti. Guys have compartments for everything. Crush goes here, hookup buddy goes here, family goes here, etc. Girls' emotions run together. Hookup buddy and feelings go hand in hand for them. So, while you may like him AND enjoy kissing him, he may only have you in the hookup buddy compartment.

b. He is shy. Lots of guys suffer from it. That doesn't mean that he isn't outgoing and boisterous in every other aspect; he just is shy with his emotions. There are a ton of guys who are experts at kissing girls, but when it comes to voicing feelings, they clam up like a 10 year old boy going in for his first kiss. It happens, and they have NO clue what to do. So when you were talking to this guy about liking him, of COURSE he was gonna pounce on the "throwing myself at you" statement rather than the "I liked you from the beginning" part. He works better with physical things. And of course he is only going to voice his true feelings when pushed; it makes him uncomfortable and if he can get out of it, he will.

Hope this helps:)

Well obviously I hope he's in it for more than just a hookup. I've only known him for a few weeks, and for most of that there was little interaction save what chitchat can happen during a dodgeball game. Recently, however, we have been talking quite a bit more... although, again, I don't know whether guys going after a hookup would spend so much time on actual conversation. I suppose it's possible. The only other hint I have is that he's Catholic and seems at least a bit into it, which may or may not mean he'd be reluctant to get into a purely hookup type situation because of the religious stuff.

At one point he did comment that he's not good at expressing emotions.

I think the hardest part of it for me is that this is a lot of the reason my ex and I broke up: he absolutely positively refused to acknowledge any feelings for me whatsoever, or be the one to ask me out for the weekend, or even initiate anything physically. So I see this new guy start to pull the same shit and I freak out a little.

And, in my experience, any time I try to talk about this sort of thing bluntly (you know, the way guys claim they wish we would talk about things, instead of subtle hints and insinuations) the guys gets defensive, closed-off, and resentful.


Anyway, I have no idea what to do. Any UR guys have any insight?

Ash, I'm not sure I agree with the shy option. I'm a shy guy, but if I'm into a girl and she asks, I'm not going to hide it. I'm going to take that as my moment to set the record straight one way or the other in a non-threatening way. If she asks, it's because she wants to know; therefore I feel that if I have any respect for her, her time, and/or her intelligence, I have to give a straight answer.

Then again, you could be spot on. I'm not saying I'm the typical shy guy. I try to push myself outside my comfort zone, so maybe that's why I do things the way I do.

Maybe he just has the emotional range of a pile of bricks? It sounds like he's got the sensitivity for about that.

mrrrrphle.




so what do i do? I have most of a month's evidence that he's nice, funny, and totally into me, and a few hours' evidence that he's insensitive and/or retarded.

Do what, in my experience, most women do... ask a guy friend for advice then do the opposite... XD

Darn it Wolfie you are so not being helpful



Just... answer me this: what would cause a guy who was seriously massively obviously into a girl for the past few hours suddenly forget basic manners?

Has he dated many girls? If not, he might not know the rules, haha.

Were his past relationships fairly short? If so, maybe he ignored the rules instead.

Ok, so you said "I have most of a month's evidence that he's nice, funny, and totally
into me, and a few hours' evidence that he's insensitive and/or
retarded." But I'd like to remind you about how he made plans with you for a Halloween party and then ran off to go party with buddies instead. To me, that should've been a warning sign. He's either not ready for a real relationship or he's looking for something else.

That's just me telling you what I'm seeing from what you've said. I'm sure you see things differently, hence why I'm reluctant to say one way or another. Clearly, you like this guy. He might not deserve it. You should accept that going into any relationship, but I feel that maybe you need to consider it even more this time. Especially since you just came out of a similar situation. Do what you feel is best for you. Don't over-think it, don't try and rationalize or justify things. What do you think he thinks about you? And what do you think those thoughts mean when paired with his actions?

That should answer your dilemma for you.

Well, he didn't ask me out but he did message me on FB the first time he was online since I got back, so I think that buys him until our last game on Wednesday.

Right now signs are pointing towards "shy"... though I haven't ruled out "idiot".

Seems to be American guys, Tue. Like the rest of America he seems eager to pigeon hole himself into a category, with no room for individuality. (I'm told that in America this equates to being a pinko leftie. Well then, slap me red and send me back to the USSR because I'm a goddamn individual!)

In other words, he's trying to be a cool, macho guy to try to impress you. He doesn't want to say that yes, he's totally into you because he thinks it wouldn't be cool, and therefore feels vulnerable about it. Freud was right you know. It's all about the penis.

Sounds about right, I'm afraid.


Fortunately for me, I'm talking to three other guys at the same time so I'm not exactly waiting by the phone. If he wants me he can come and get me

Ashleigh: Shy guys, not confident, can't talk about emotions
Tue: Hm, doesn't sound right.
Wolf: Party canceller! Pile o' bricks! Haggis!
Tue: No, no, no.
Cruce: Penis size.
Tue: Thats it!

This summary has been brought to you by Rhapsode, for the enlightenment of all involved.

And this is why I <3 you Steve.



However, the idiot finally did get off his ass and ask me out. Asked me last night to go out tonight, which I turned down due to prior plans, and then scheduled for Saturday instead. Plus I'm going out next Wednesday with a different guy. So far so good

Keep him guessing, haha